I always see the funny side of everything. And everything does have a funny side. That doesn't mean everything has a pleasurable side of course. A lot of humor is based on pain. So you can imagine how I laughed till I hurt when I came across this bit of whimsy.
The United States House of Representatives (Motto: "And Yet You Send Us Back Every Time") voted 324-84 yesterday to authorize the US Justice Department to sue OPEC Member Nations for price fixing and restricting oil supplies.
"This bill guarantees that oil prices will reflect supply and demand economic rules, instead of wildly speculative and perhaps illegal activities," said Democratic Rep. Steve Kagen of Wisconsin, who sponsored the legislation.
Possible penalties that might be levied against OPEC Member Nations found guilty could include forfeiture of US properties or bank holdings.
OK, lets take a test! Answer the following questions to see if you're smart enough to be a Congress Critter!
Question One:
You find a OPEC Nation guilty of Price Gouging. You impound 500 million dollars from their US bank holdings and take away their Domino's Pizza franchise. The guilty OPEC Nation will immediately:
1. shamefully admit the error of its ways, tap a keg of oily goodness at a UN frat party and donate 50 million to Nancy Pelosi's latest wind power research project.
2. accept that it has a problem, enter the Barbara Bush Oil Abuse Clinic to avoid further prosecution and in the process 'hook up' with Lidsay Lohan.
3. turn the big oil pipeline wheel labeled "US" to the OFF position, sell all its oil to China, and start manufacturing extra long extension cords for hybrid cars.
Question Two:
True of false: OPEC's refusal to open new territories for exploration and it's reluctance to tap it's proven reserves for additional oil to meet the fuel demands of the United States bears absolutely no similarity to the US refusal to do the same in ANWR, the oil shales of Colorado and Utah, and the off-coast reserves in Florida and California. None, Zip, Nada. (And you're obviously in the pocket of Big Oil to even consider it! ...Pig.)
Question Three:
Chose one of the following as the most accurate description of yourself:
1. I am a completely gormless cretin.
2. I am way more of a gormless cretin than whoever chose answer number 1.
3. I am Democratic Rep. Steve Kagen of Wisconsin.
Scoring:
Bad News I'm afraid. If you bothered to try to take the test at all, you are unqualified to be a member of the United States Congress. They never answer questions.
However, if, instead of reading the questions, you spent your time considering the use of the US nuclear arsenal to move the Earth further from the Sun to end Global Warming, trying to figure out what OPEC stands for, or day-dreamed about what the loss of Teddy Kennedy might mean for your career advancement opportunities, then you just might have what it takes to become a member of Congress.
But if you do have what it takes, please wash you hands. No point in spreading it around.
Don't forget! A click here will keep me from having to attend the Larry Storch Clinic for Failed Comedy Writers. Please! I can't afford Linsay Lohan! Thanks.
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