Increased shark attacks worldwide have a lot of folks worried. And the growing evidence of the poor eating habits of sharks is being touted by some as the newest indication of global warming.
Well, why not?
Things haven't been working out well for the warmies recently. The increased hurricane activity that was predicted by the global warming computer models hasn't shown up. And according to NASA, the ocean waters aren't getting warmer like they are supposed to. Plus, we seem to be in a rather marked cooling trend. So ANYTHING actually increasing is being grabbed at like a life raft by the purveyors of human caused sweat.
But with the sharks, the evidence is comfortingly overwhelming. Last year, there was one fatal shark attack worldwide. This year so far there have been four, and it's only May. And since the very authoritative article I read all of this in didn't mention it, I have to assume there were no fatal shark attacks before 2007 - otherwise it would make this whole shark-as-global-warming indicator species thing fall apart.
Zero to one to four. And as any good statistician knows, three points make a curve. Or a triangle. I forget. (Lets just turn that four into an eight. We've still got most of the year to go and after all, evidence deficient projection is the name of the game in man-made climate change.)
Anyway, by my calculations it appears that the incidence of shark attacks is acceleratingly exponentially.
By my extremely accurate shark bite computer model, I anticipate that fatal shark attacks should peak around 2010, with fatalities for that year at just about 3 billion people.
(Please don't be so foolish as to argue with my conclusion. I'm a scientist. And a wooden cup maker. And we have reached complete consensus among all the scientists (and cup makers) who were involved in this study. )
Naturally, this isn't good news.
But the real problem is what this means for those of us who's only real affinity for water is as a mixer in our cheap whiskey. Sharks are one of nature's most perfect killing machines. And there is no doubt they can read a graph as well as any recent high school graduate. Maybe better; those suckers are in schools their entire life.
So once the easy billion or so people who live by the oceans are gone, the sharks are naturally going to start making their way inland.
Obviously there's only one thing to do.
I'm going to start drinking my whiskey straight.
Avoid the coming shark infestation! Head to high ground at humor-blogs.com!
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