Hello my fellow Americans.
It's come to my attention recently that we are preparing to have an election for a new President. I wasn't aware that we needed a new one but then I remembered that they do tend to wear out rapidly. And everyone always forgets the common maintenance chores that would extend their usefulness; like changing the oil policy and rotating the troops.
So I decided to take a look at the new models and I must say I'm disappointed.
The two leading candidates are not what I would call fully-loaded. The older model seems to be a lot like the previous one. A smooth ride, but hell on mileage. And the newer model looks like it is equipped with a bunch of untried accessories and seems to be underpowered.
And neither of them come with cup holders.
So I decided to throw my tam into the ring. I'm now announcing the:
DON LEWIS FOR PRESIDENT CAMPAIGN 2008!
"It is time that this Great Nation "truly" receives change for change sake! And I have change to spare! And after my inauguration, I promise that "Spare Change?" will be the most commonly heard phrase on the streets of America!"
Here's what the Press is saying about my candidacy:
The Don Lewis for President FAQ
Q: Why did you decide to run?
A: I have absolutely no intention of running. I'm a lousy runner. When I was accepted on the track team in High School, it was as a hurdle.
No. I will walk; maybe a quick shuffle if necessary to avoid the loaded Log-truck of Public Opinion.
Run!!? I'm the friggin' President! Thats what the Secret Service is for. Those guys probably love running.
Q: You say you're for real change. What exactly does this mean?
A: What is this??? A witch hunt!!? (Hmm...witch hunts..that might be worth bringing back.) If I say I'm for change, then that should be good enough for base-born scum like you!
But...I will give you one example. I will be moving the White House to Northern Idaho. Washington DC is positively crawling with politicians. I have no intention of having to wash my hands every 15 minutes.
Q: What will you be doing about the undocumented worker problem?
A: As I understand it, most of the previous population of Mexico in now in the US. This is a thorny problem that has not been adequately addressed by my opponents.
On the one hand, I hate Mariachi music. On the other hand, these people are willing to do the jobs that decent and honorable Americans are unwilling to do. So with my plan, all undocumented aliens will become Congressmen.
Q: How will you make America secure from attack?
A: I have a two-fold plan.
First, we will immediately launch an unprovoked nuclear strike on Canada. We will use anti-neutron bombs* which completely destroy buildings and infrastructure, while not appreciably harming people. I mean, have you seen the architecture in Ottawa? The place looks like Des Moines.
Damn you President Lewis!!!!
Sparing the people of Canada is of supreme importance. Much of America's stratigraphic raw humor comes from Canada. California just can't supply enough on it's own.
*(I'm assuming we have anti-neutron bombs. If not, by God we will have! Or heads will roll!)
Why Canada you ask?
If we are willing to level our closest friend and neighbor just to make a point, what do you think this will say to potential enemies around the world?
The second part of my innovate defense plan is to turn that old, and rather insipid US Army recruiting slogan: "An Army of One." into reality. We will fulfill my plan to "Get the Military Out of America" and replace it with a single crazed lunatic with unlimited access to the Nation's arsenal.
You can bet THAT will keep the Nabobs in Tehran guessing!
Tomorrow, we will present part two of the DON LEWIS for PRESIDENT announcement. Don't miss it!
And don't forget a vote for this funny blog at humor-blogs.com is a vote for decency, moral superiority, and the American way of life! (Not necessarily all at the same time of course; that only stands to reason.)
:>
|