The Requisite Campaign Crisis.

Shocking News for supporters
of the "Spare Change" Presidential
Candidate, Don Lewis.

Candidate Accused of Cereal Offenses with Exotic Dancer.
-Plummer Plain Talker

Exotic Dancer Jessica "The Rabbit" Lobowski

"I Did Not Have Trix with that Woman, Ms Lobowsky!" Claims Lewis
-Coeur d' Alene Buttinski-Review



Carrot Juice DNA Found on Dancer's Blue Dress.
-Rabbit-fanciers Weekly



Candidate to Address Nation on Cony Conundrum
-AP





`` Good day.

This afternoon in this room, from this chair, I testified before a committee made up of my wife, and her three very large brothers, and a heirloom polish meat grinder and sausage stuffer.

I answered their questions truthfully, questions no American male would ever want to answer unless forced to make a choice between coarse and fine grind.

Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. (Such as they are known.) And that is why I am speaking to you now.

Indeed, I did have a relationship with Miss Lobowsky that was not appropriate. In fact, it was wrong. I am solely and completely responsible. The shameless home-wreaking tramp!

I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter gave a false impression. And I deeply regret that you didn't retain that initial belief.

I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself, my family, and the good folks down at the High O' Silver Gentlemen's Club from the embarrassment of my own conduct.

In addition, I had real and serious health concerns about an independent investigation being conducted by my Father-in-Law, Mike "The Kielbasa" Moore.

This independent investigation had moved on to my friends and novelty costume suppliers, then into my private life.


This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent people (I for instance have received over 30 minutes of near-debilitating dutch-rubs from my brother-in law Greg "The Electrician" Moore.)


Now, this matter is between me, the three people I love most -- my wife and our daughters.

(Note: Person depicted above is not actually Don's wife, but
is instead a really hot celebrity impersonator of the same.)

I must put it right, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do so as long as it works for me sympathy-wise and at the polls.

Nothing is more important to me personally. But it is private, and I intend to reclaim my family life for my family. It's nobody's business but ours until such time as I write my autobiography. ("I Was a Rabbit of the FBI" $24.95 Pre-order now!)

It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the prying into back-room lap dance facilities and get on with our national life. Our country has been distracted by this matter for too long, and I take my (extremely limited in a legal and litigatory sense) responsibility for my part in all of this.


That is all I can do.

Now it is time -- in fact, it is past time to move on -- in fact, let's just forget it ever happened. I think that's for the best. Don't you?

We have important work to do -- real opportunities to seize, real problems to solve, real security matters to face. Real relatives to avoid.

And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of the past 30 minutes, to repair the fabric of our national discourse, and to return our attention to all the challenges and all the promise of the next American century.

Thank you for watching. ''



There. That's done. Actually a bother really, but tradition must be served. Now we can go on to other, more important campaign stuff, like false and misleading commercials about my opponents fabricated failings.




Please... Please...

Show the World that you forgive me and want to keep our shared desire for real and meaningful spare change strong by clicking here at humor-blogs.com. If not for me...Then for the children.

(Note: These aren't his kids either.)