Taking a LEAP

Good day my fellow Americans. (And long-term visitors from sunny climes.)

Having resumed my campaign, I want to take this opportunity to address the nation about our current financial troubles. As you are aware, Congress, initially bravely holding out against the insanity of massive deficit spending to the tune of 700 billion dollars finally agreed to a compromise proposal that only added an additional 150 billion dollars of vital economic stimulus expenditures like the Barney Frank Peace and Justice Bathhouse and the Strategic Congressional Re-election Reserve.

Congressman Barney Frank, coming to grips with a deficit.

However, it is entirely unfair to try to blame this boondoggle on the Congress or the White House. As I noted previously, the poor bear most of the responsibility for the coming world-wide depression by actually believing the government.

And banks and mortgage companies must also be held accountable.

Sure, the banks were told that if they didn't make loans to people without last names they would be investigated to within an inch of their fiduciaries, and yes, they were also told that they could then sell any non-compliant loans to government backed mortgage consolidators with names from Petticoat Junction, but honestly, I know I'd turn down a sure thing in exchange for an anal exam by Janet Reno any day.

And I bet you would too.

However, creating a bail-out scheme revolving around giving great gobs of non-existent money to the same people who were at least co-conspirators in this whole mess does seem a bit icky.

That's why I am proposing the Lewis Economic Accountability Plan (LEAP). Rather than sending trillions of dollars to banks and brokerage firms, LEAP would create a true economic stimulus by giving every American 100 million dollars. The total outlay by the Government would be somewhere in the neighborhood of ah... carry the one... (about a block and a half) - thirty quadrillion dollars, or for the reading impaired:

$30,000,000,000,000,000.98

Now I know a lot of you are saying, "Come on Don! The US doesn't have that kind of money!" Well, technically that's true. But ask yourself this. Where did the 850 billion we've just spent come from? That's right! It came from a IBM PC at the Federal Reserve that has a sticky zero key! All the Fed has to do is wait to pry the key up after just six more zeros, and the money is as good as in your cookie jar.

Naturally, we don't actually have that kind of money sitting around in currency. And at the current rate of printing at the BEP, (Union workers after all.) it would take about three thousand years, just in twenties alone. But fortunately a solution already exists.

Monopoly Money!

Under my LEAP, each American is authorized to add six zeros to 100 Monopoly dollars. I know we can trust you all to stop at one hundred.

The use of Monopoly Money is designed to
cut down on the possibility of counterfeiting.

But what about inflation you ask?

Here's where my plan gets totally brilliant! Taking a page from Richard Nixon, I, as your President would immediately declare a total nation-wide price freeze! In fact, not only would I freeze prices, I'd roll them back to the summer of 1975! (This date was not chosen randomly, but was actually picked as being the high point of my life.)

There are still a few niggling details to iron out, like how to make change on a million dollar bill for a nine dollar case of beer. (It really was the best of times, wasn't it?) But consider; any random group of Americans could pay off the US-Chinese debt with pocket change and still have enough money left over to buy Michigan.

Hmm. Come to think of it, I'm going to roll back the music to 1975 too. Radar Love anyone?

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Special thanks to my latest unrequited love interest, Jamie at The Hussy Housewife for nagging at me to get off my lazy ass and write something. Tomorrow, I will address my only true competition for the Presidency. But not to worry. He's a Nobody.